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| I know I run here every time I feel sad or bad or angry or whatever, but I can't help it.
Eloquence escapes me.
Sometimes I can't stand myself. I feel like such a terrible person. A person not worth anything. I don't really know why. Today I starting feeling bad for getting angry while driving. I felt like a bad person for getting angry and things kind of snowballed from there in my mind. I feel like I was in the last car of the roller coaster and on the way up the hill my car got detached flew backwards and got stuck at the bottom of the hill.
Everything I do and everywhere I go I feel like people are speaking a language I don't understand and I'm barely grasping concepts that I normally would understand. It's a hazy feeling. Like I'm constantly drunk. Being drunk is fun occasionally when other people are drunk with you, but feeling that way all the time kind of sucks.
I don't even want to major in music anymore. The main thing that's keeping me here is the fact that I've already done so much and I'd feel shitty wasting all those hours, but I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to be mediocre.
It's seeming more and more like I need to get away. I want to study abroad, but there are a few things holding me back. I don't know what I'd do with my apartment and if I'm even allowed to sublet it, it would be really hard to find someone to rent it and I wouldn't want it to be some sketchy person off craigslist or something. I couldn't do that to Mica. Then I really want to stay and do crew. I know it'll be here when I get back, but I just don't think next semester is the right time to take a break from it. But I just want to go. Far, far away. I don't know why or what triggered this stir crazy feeling I have.
I'm having many internal crises and I don't know how to stop them.
Entertaining the idea of hanging out with people makes me sick. I want to, but every time I think of an idea to do something with someone, I think about how I'd rather be alone. I don't know why. I've never felt like this before.
Maybe this is an overreaction and it'll all be okay tomorrow. | | |
| Someone please kick me in the face. Maybe then I'll know if this is real or not. I feel like a zombie. Maybe it's due to a constant lack of sleep or maybe it's just easier for me to be numb than to feel things. I feel nonchalant about everything. Usually, I just act that way, but now I really feel it.
On another note, I've realized that I talk too much about everything (or in this case, anything) going on in my life. I should just keep quiet. Talking about it makes it a bigger deal. Also, I think that my effort to be friends with everyone is rooted in the fact that I don't quite fit in with any of my "groups" of friends. I mean, whatever.
My head is spinning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMv6wVHAH30 | | |
| If I don't write about it, it's not real. Just pretend nothing ever happened. | | |
| I took a nap today and had a strange dream that I was a polygamist. I mean, I guess I was a polygamist. I was dating two people and the people I was dating were also dating other people, well one of them was for sure. And it was totally normal in my dream. So that was fun.
I just thought I should document that. I'm sleepy. | | |
| I'm so fucking sick of flakey people. Why am I friends with so many of them? I don't get it. Is it really so hard to do what you say you're going to do? Or if you're not going to do what you say, is it so fucking hard to give the person you told that you would do whatever some sort of truthful notice?
This irks the shit out of me.
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